Funny Journalism

Its been almost a month, I just haven't had much to say. Been busy working and out of town for some of it. Paying attention to snowagedon that didn't happen. But this... this inspired me to return to my days of blogging.

I'm not sure if this sentence will still be there when you look at the link, but its amazing. Doesn't msnbc pay anyone to read their stories BEFORE they post them. Maybe kick a few bucks in the pocket of an English major who has a greater IQ than spell check?

Read the sentence that starts with "If you work with a recruiter....". I'll wait while you read it.... la la la la la la la... finished?

"it's easier for them to get the poop on why you got the heave ho"

Excuse me? Did you mean scoop, instead of poop?

Horrible journalism. But it is a sign of the times. Spell check wouldn't have found a problem with this word, because poop is a word too.

This is my laugh for the day.

Save the World!

This man is doing the world a favor. One ugly green Ford Escort at a time.

Seems as if in the town of Medford, Oregon, an arsonist has torched 3 ugly Escorts all by putting flammable liquids on the car.

Thank you to the wonderful person who is ridding the world of these ugly monsters.

Could you come to my town and take care of the multi colored cars? Thanks.

OMGWTFMCNUGGETS

So another stupid person story. They just never get old.

So you're cruising up to McDonald's and you pay for a delicious 10 piece order of Chicken McNuggets. You pay for the tasty morsels of heaven and proceed to the 2nd window. But alas! The unsympathetic woman at the window tells you they are out of McNuggets! No refund will be given, all sales are final at McDonald's.

The employee offers you a McDouble! (Which is a rip, only one slice of cheese for 2 patties. This throws off the cheese to patty equilibrium). What is a person to do?

Well this moron calls 911 not once, not twice, but three times. The woman calls police and reports, "If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency."

That call to police will cost her some Chicken McNuggets as she was citied on a "misuse of 911 charge". In the interest of PR, she will be getting a coupon for a free meal at McDonald's.

Guess where this happened in? Mmmm...Cali? No... NYC? Podunk, ND? Nope. Florida. That's right Florida. George W Bush's favorite state, the great state of morons. This was not some retired grannie either, this woman was 27. Bet she was breast fed while her mother ate Big Macs.

Intelligence isn't one of the glowing traits about this country anymore.

Idiots Raising Children

There is a reason that so many children are growing up and doing stupid things. They are being raised by stupid people. This story is just appalling.

A woman in Ohio has been charged with child endangerment for breast feeding her child while driving a car and talking on a cell phone. Another motorist witnessed this and called police. The woman faces an $1800 fine and 180 days in jail.

This isn't some stupid teenager, this woman is 39 years old. 39! By this age, you would think a person would have a good amount of common sense. Apparently not.

Unless she is an octo-mom (sorry for the reference), how could she possibly pull this off? It takes at least one hand to hold a child and hopefully one was on the wheel. Then she has the distraction holding a cell phone and carrying on a conversation.

This is completely irresponsible. She has been quoted as saying that she "wouldn't let her child go hungry". Well then pull the car over, feed your child safely and place the child back in his/her car seat and continue driving. If she were in a wreck, the baby would have died.

Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to raise children.

4 Day School Week

Missouri is considering a measure which would allow public schools to adopt a 4 day school week. The hours of school on Monday - Thursday would be extended to 8 hours to meet the state's requirement for the amount of instruction children must receive.

There are many pros and cons to this idea.

Pros

• School Districts would spend less money on diesel and maintenance for busses
• Schools would save on power bills by only having to maintain a reasonable temperature on 4 days instead of 5
• Teachers would have a full day of planning time to grade paper and prepare for lessons.

Cons

• Maintaining focus for 8 hours a day is difficult for younger children
• High school students will have less opportunities for jobs due to a later release time
• *** The big con*** Parents who work (don't they all???) will have to find day care for their child on Fridays. Many day cares will not accept a child just one day a week.
• Most students that receive free breakfast and lunches at school might go hungry
• Some parents won't be able to afford day care for one day and will leave children unattended before they are old enough to care for themselves. Care might fall to an older sibling and children will end up roaming the streets with nothing to do. (A bad situation).

The measure will allow individual school districts the choice on the number of days of instruction. Rural schools whose busses travel thousands of miles a day will benefit the most from the reduction in gas.

However, it will be hard for children to adjust to this type of a schedule and will leave many families scrambling to find care for their children.

This measure needs to be fully considered and will have severe backlash from communities.

What do you think?

Blago on Letterman

"I didn't do some of the things they accused me of doing" - Rod Blagojevich

Enough said. Sure he'll claim that is taken out of context, but his slips say that he is guilty. His actions say he's guilty. His media blitz says he's guilty.

I agree with Letterman that the more he says he isn't guilty, the less I believe him.

What do you think?

Jokes of the day

These aren't mine... taken from quoted sources

David Letterman: "Its Cold outside. Wow. So cold, remember that woman who had eight babies? They went back in."

A few Blagojevich jokes: ( : These get better and better : )

Blagojevich is the lego man!

From Stephen Colbert: Blagojevich as he arrives at his impeachment hearing.

Jay Leno: "And a new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than it does to tell the truth. See, that's why political speeches are so long."

Jay Leno: "And a new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than it does to tell the truth. See, that's why political speeches are so long."

From Jay Leno: "And freezing cold weather in Washington this week. The roads are so icy, Al Gore almost didn't make it to his global warming speech today."

A Coincidence?

Picture courtesy of CNN

Sasha and Malia Obama have become instant celebrities as they are part of the First Family. Living in the White House will cause them to endure moments of their life in the spotlight.

Ty, the infamous maker of Beanie Babies, has created two new dolls. Their names are "Sweet Sasha" and "Marvelous Malia". Mama Bear Obama isn't too happy about her children's names and appearances being transformed into a doll. Michelle Obama has called the dolls "inappropriate".

Ty Company released a statement saying they do not specifically name dolls after "any particular living individual". They refuse to release their source for the idea of the doll's name.

How could this just be a coincidence?

What do you think?

Go back to Alaska...

Anyone who talked politics with me during the election, knows that I am not a fan of Sarah Palin. Don't get me wrong, having a woman in the White House would have been a monumental occasion, but I hope we'll have to wait for another contender to come around.

In an effort to keep her name in the media, Sarah Palin berated the media for making false statements about her children. Rather than just ignore the comments, she is continuing the parading of her children.

What mother brings a new infant to an event such as a national convention. Let's not bring up the issue of the youngest member of the Palin child. I will not contribute to the rumors.

Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska and spend her free time moose hunting, not berating the media for something that she caused.

Who agrees with me?

A Day in History

My parents can tell you where they were at significant moments in history... the landing on the moon, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, when Elvis died...

For my generation, these moments used to include significant moments such as September 11, 2001 and the explosion of the Columbia space shuttle. And now where we were on January 20, 2009, the day that the United States of America inaugurated the first black man as President.

It is hard for me to not be hopeful that this man has the resolve to move this country in the direction that it needs to go. The Obama world will be a much better place for my children to live in.

His message of personal responsibility will hopefully motivate more Americans to serve their country, not necessarily in the military, but in their own communities. Reading to our children instead of watching TV, donating our time to causes and looking out for our neighbor.

This is a truly historic day in American history. Though it will mean nothing if the promises made during the many months of campaigning aren't kept. Our new President has made many promises that will be tough to keep such as restoring the economy, ending the war in Iraq and restoring America's position in the world.

It is up to every American to do their part.

Totally Offensive

The writers at SNL are obviously out of material. Now that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are gone, the show is not funny at all. Sarah Palin was easy for a 10 year old to make jokes about.

Now that they have spoofed Keith Olberman, they went after Rachel Maddow. Instead of making jokes about her nuisances, they attacked the fact that she doesn't hide the fact that she is a lesbian. This was totally over the top. Had she been black, they would not have made fun of her.

The writers of SNL have to boundaries for topics that aren't funny. You might remember that SNL also did a parody of David Paterson, governor of New York. Paterson is blind and the skit mocked his disability.

SNL was just beginning to get funny, however, I will not watch a show that finds it funny to make fun of a person's disability or sexual orientation.

What do you think?

D'oh!

I love stupid criminals. So you're sitting in a court room waiting to hear your sentence after being convicted of a drug charge. You got lucky enough to get released after being found guilty, so you're a free man.

The prosecutor looks at the jury and recommends life in prison.

Your lawyer says that isn't likely, you'll probably get a fine and up to 10 years of probation and you'll be out of jail in 24 hours. The jury goes out to make their decision, and you go to the bathroom and start to freak. Life in prison? So you make a break for it and lead police on a high speed chase thru the mean streets of Fort Worth, Texas. The police catch you, hitting your car with a police car and then using a taser on you when you resist arrest. Was it worth it?

Nope, the jury had come back with a sentence of $1,000 fine and 6 years to be served as probation. The judge revokes your 10 year probation and sentences you to 180 days in jail. Oh, don't forget about that felony resisting arrest charge. That sentence is coming and could be up to 2 years in prison.

D'oh! Should have stayed for the sentence and you would be a free man.

Pay Up or Give Me Back My Kidney!

When marriages go south, the fighting over material things often begins. Who gets the dog and the house. But this is just plain weird.

A doctor from New York is demanding that his estranged wife pay him $1.5 million for a kidney he donated to her in 2001. They were happily married so it seems at that time. But in 2005, the wife filed for divorce. Now the husband wants to be paid for the organ he donated to his wife.

There are laws against this, as there should be. The National Organ Transplant Act of 1984 makes the sale of organs in the US illegal. This ensures equal distribution of the small supply of available organs. So, this question should come up. Would this case constitute the payment for the donation of an organ. If so, then the husband has no case.

One should note the very definition of the word donate & gift are rooted in the fact that gifts and donations are something that you give without expectation of any compensation in return.

What do you think? Should the husband be paid for the donation of his organ?

They Don't Pay Me Enough

They don't pay me enough to do the job of multiple people. Somehow I ended up playing the role of the IT department.

However, I must sadly turn to the real IT department when I can not fix something. This doesn't always sit well with people from the IT world. It seems as if they are worried that I single handily am solving all the computer problems in the world and there will be no reason for their existence on this planet.

When these problems come, they rarely come one at a time, rather all at once. There was a point today at which someone in a neighboring office was calling my name, I was on the phone while my call waiting was going off. At the same time I received 3 emails within 2 minutes, all needing my attention and there were 4 impatient men waiting for help with their computers.

Yet being the good employee I am, realizing that no additional compensation will come from my increased efforts, I managed the task of helping everyone out. I started with the person in the neighboring office. He deems respect and attention and everyone recognizes this.

The phone? It can wait. God bless the person who invented voicemail. "Hi, This is Judy. I'm obviously dealing with a problem that trumps talking with you right now. You'll have to wait your turn. I'll call you back if I don't run away first."

Turns out the call from the neighboring office led me to another telephone call. This being a person in the same location as me, but in another building. He too had an IT issue that needed assistance. His problem required a higher level of expertise, well maybe not, just a connection to a database that I don't have. I'm not IT remember? This call requires a follow up call tomorrow.

The 2 phone calls - the first, the IT guy who accomplishes the tasks that I don't have the ability to do. He doesn't mind my helping out, on account of his shear laziness. He will admit this to you. The second, an IT explanation of how file size relates to picture resolution. "8 MP pictures are too big to email?". Gee who would have guessed... So this explanation was quick and painless quite possibly because the person on the other end was female and less words were required.

Insert my boss.... he too had a problem. Except something was different about this one... what is it? Oh yeah, it actually relates to my assigned position. This issue goes to the top of the list. This problem, a lack of understand involving our new database. A phone call must be made to someone who is smarter than me regarding this subject. Another follow up awaiting my attention.

Now to the 4 men waiting. The first man, his computer says "Network is remote". Hmm. Haven't seen this before. Call IT person #1 (who doesn't mind the help), got his voicemail. Stupid person who invented voicemail. I didn't want a machine, I wanted the human who is assigned this number.

Ok, IT person #2... "Glad to help you, kiddo". Kiddo? I just turned 27. At what age will I no longer be called kiddo? There must be some limit. He proved to be no help. I did a bit of exploring and discovered on my own what the issue was. Who needs IT anyway?

In the middle of this, one of the 4 guys is a self proclaimed IT expert. Self proclaimed because everyone else sees that he knows nothing. Of the idiotic statements he made, my favorite is "2 firewalls aren't a bad thing". MMM....no. Wrong. Try again. Maybe in the case of a physical firewall, but not the computer firewall type. Luckily, someone saw my mounting frustration and convinced this man to accompany him to another building. Yay!

On to the other 3. I could solve this in one step, thanks in part to the few moments I pay attention to my husband when he goes into massive geek ramblings. Windows XP trying to install Service Pack 3 with 512 MB of RAM. Huh? This won't work. Another phone call... IT guy #1 agreed with my conclusion that new laptops were in order. Well, they were new a few years ago. Anyway, they are better than the current laptops. I aborted the installation of the Service Pack. This will have to wait until IT guy #1 can come with new laptops and setup new laptops. another skill that I cannot perform.

Strangely, some alarm must go off at 3pm that only men over 50 can hear. I know this because all the men in our office scatter around this time, much to my delight. My crazy day was nearing its end. A quiet silence fell upon the office. The end of my obligation for the day had come and I left, rather I ran as fast as legally possible.

Tomorrow will quite possibly go the same.

Bushisms

There will be many, many reviews and lists compiled summarizing George W. Bush's 8 years in power. This list will by far be the funniest. He is well known for uttering words that make the leader of the free world look like a dumb ass.

Here are a few of my favorites from this list:

• "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina. (Remember, no child left behind)

• "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi. (Huh? Is he saying that WWII lasted 60 years… Note to self: stop trying to understand Bush logic.)

• "This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets. (Excuse our leader for this incomprehensible statement.)

• "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo. (By far the best Bushism, ever!)

What's your resolution?

A new year usually means the dreaded new years resolution... lose weight, stop smoking, finish a project... something that most people forget by the time January is over.

This year I resolve to right the wrongs that I have done in the past. Mainly overspending and not caring for myself. Also, I resolve to take more time to be with the people I love. I truly believe that the reason our country's children have so many problems is that they need attention. We spend too much time as a society focused on goals outside of the home.